To the little one 

You were such a surprise. An extra line appearing where I expected to see nothing. It seemed absurd and impossible. My longing for you had never gone away but, as months turned into years, I had to muffle it and edge towards acceptance. And then there you were! Time collapsed in on itself and I edged towards a different acceptance, willing myself to be positive, opening my heart to the possibility that we three would soon be welcoming you into our home.  

But life had other plans and you would not be coming home. I dared to dream and then it was over. We didn’t hear your heartbeat or feel your first kicks.  

How much we wanted you, sweetheart. I dreamed of the moment we would tell your sister. I pictured her delighted face. How she would have loved you, my God she never would have tired of being your playmate. I wondered how you two would have been. Best of friends? Greatest foes? Sibling relationships can be so complex, never straight-forward. I wonder still what yours would have been. How it could have developed over the years from playmate to tormentor to rival to friend. We’ll never know.  

I wonder how similar you might have been to her. Would you have shared her mysterious curls? The blue eyes that everyone comments on? Would you have the same metabolic disorder she has, the one that caught us from nowhere when she was days old? What mysteries would you have brought with you? Who might you have been? Who might we have been as a family of four?

You will forever be made up of unanswered questions. I will never hear you laugh or comfort you when you cry. I will never know your smell, your voice, your face. I will never cradle you through a tough night, watch you grow, see who you’ll become. I will not watch my daughter become your big sister. You were only a flicker on a screen, a silent heartbeat with us for a moment and then gone forever.

There is so much I will miss about you. I wanted so much to make you real and bring you home. I wanted to feel your soft weight in my arms and hear your first words. I loved you. For the briefest moment we were a family of four. You’ve created a little space in my heart that will always be yours.  

And to all of you; every single time there’s been an extra pink line, my heart has grown to make space for you. Through time my heart has cracked and broken, I’ve been afraid to hope and more afraid to love. How long can you continue to believe when your little wonders, your little dreams don’t come true?  

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry my longing didn’t give you life. I’m so sorry you don’t have a name. I’m so sorry we couldn’t keep you and you us.  

I can’t give you a life, I can just give you a promise; you live on in the cracks and scars in my heart. You little pieces of life are woven into my soul, forever part of my story, my life, my family.